Following Jacob’s memorial service, we hoped in a taxi headed for Lazarus.
As irony would have it, in my heart, the story of Lazarus being raised from the dead loomed in the back of my head as we arrived.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful to see a message from Aunty Cordelia letting us know that it was all a misunderstanding and she was in fact alive and well? I had wished the same for Jacob, and now that we were here, I caught myself wishing the same thing for Aunty Cordelia.
Admittedly, Taelor and I don’t know her that well, but we are grieving all the same. I for one feel like I know her when I hear mom talk about how they met. Aunty Cordy seemed to be so full of adventure and curiosity.
The little I did glean from my brief interactions made me deeply sad that I wouldn’t get to know her. She was so friendly and generous when I met her at the family camp. Then again at Nikki’s wedding, she was so happy and full of life. She talked to me and called me niece – something I have never heard from anyone in all my SL life 😦
I was looking forward to winning her over and being her special niece. Somewhat of a goodie two shoes niece, granted, and not so hip to the Bayou groove. BUT, I was very accepting of her 10 fingers, and was looking forward to treating her to a bit of my suburbian habits for the hell of it. Oh the exchanges I looked forward to having with her.
But now, all dashed.
Here we stood at the entrance of the Chapel.
For days now, we’ve been paying our respects as a family and have met numerous new faces from across the grid. Friends of Aunty’s. People who loved and respected her. People she touched.
Taelor and I walked in and whispered while mom, Birdy and Leafy were organizing the details for the party tomorrow. We were going to be celebrating Aunty Cordy’s life in true Cordelia style – a shindig!
But for now, Taelor and I would say our farewells – quietly.
I squatted down and quietly just let him have time. He didn’t say much for a while, but I knew he needed a moment to process and take it all in.
He looked around at everything on the floor, then looked at the faces of those in the room, then looked back to the alter with all the things left for her.
Then suddenly, I watched him reach for the frame with her photo in it, and ran his fingers along the frame then took deep breaths. 😦
He was sad, and he had every right to be. I was too, albeit emotionally shot to pieces and near numb.
I took his hand and asked him if he wanted to go outside to see where we could always visit her. A place to bring her flowers any time we wanted.
He was interested, but just as we left the chapel, he sadly asked me a question that led to the following short conversation.
Taelor: Mommy…is it selfish wantin’ her here instead?
Me: yes and no
Me: It’s not selfish cause
Me: we’ll miss her right? I mean…we didnt know her but we’re gonna miss not getting that chance
Me: especially when everyone talks about just how awesome she is….I mean…. that’s sad that we just missed her by a hair….and we didnt get to know her 😦
Me: But then it’s also selfish cause well….
Me: remember how I tell you that God is all our Father?
Me: And not only that but creator too?
Me: Well he made you for a reason
Me: made me for a reason
Taelor: Uh huh
Me: and ever Aunty Cordy for one special reason
Me: made gramma
Me: and when we get done doing whatever it is he made us to do…and sometimes we dont even know what THT thing is
Me: well….He wants us back with Him
Me: so it’s only selfish cause well…as much as you want her hear, God wants her there.
Me: So we gotta share her. We already had her right?
Me: It’s God turn dont ya think?
Taelor looks down and nods
Me: We gotta share is all
Me: And it’s okay if we dont like it
Me: But it’ll get better in time
Me: She’s in better hands with us giving her back than with us insisting she come back
Me: You hear?
Taelor: It’s hard not bein’ selfish, but I’ll try.
Without realizing, somewhere in his question and my bid to give him an answer, what I can only describe as God’s comforting spirit made His way through me.
When I looked up, I saw my mom and sister standing there, listening pensively.
My sister thanked me and that was when I REALLY knew that it was God she ought to have been thanking and not me. I’m not that wise or smart, and I certainly was also contending with accepting the losses. How I could have sounded so cool and calm, was assuredly NOT me, but God showing us His love and comfort.
In that moment, I truly felt comforted, and it enabled me to keep a light beat as I nudged Taelor to come to the head stone.
He gave mom a hug first though. He was really feeling bad about this, but I suspect he was also feeling a lot of his gramma’s pain.
After the hug, he, again, showed bravery and for about 5 minutes, he talked very lovingly to his Grand Aunty Cordy.
It was a special moment and I think it really meant a lot for him to get that chance. He even apologized to her for not being able to come to her party (tomorrow). I think they had a lovely moment, and I felt truly like perhaps this place called Lazarus is indeed named right.
Although we won’t see Cordy log in ever again, her spirit is resurrected here. Every seeping puddle. Every wooden deck. Every burnt out engine, or trailer truck skid mark. Every bit of her is risen again…right here…for us!
Despite how long this place, Lazarus, will remain, for now it has served in pacifying and cushioning the blow of having lost her only in conversation. Because, all we need to do is look at each other, stare at our surname, gaze all around us at the surroundings of Lazarus and right here you’ll see her vivacious, energetic, naked, RPing spirit and say, “There goes Cordy!”
In us, she lives on! ❤
And so, on that note we headed home after our emotionally packed day! After washing up, I carried Taelor up to bed, keeping him close.
It was necessary for both of us. Going to sleep with a heavy heart isn’t good for a 9 year old, so I did my best to be silly and make jokes.
We prayed, and soon he was tucked away in bed and drifting off to sleep with a smile on his face.